This is my third school in five years, so it's not like I can say "maybe the environment isn't working." It's clearly obvious the actual school thing isn't working, but I don't know what to do about it.
And I want a degree, I really do. I want to be able to put that stupid piece of paper on my wall and say "I did that!" But I just don't know how to get to that point when I can't even go to the three basic classes I'm taking now.
There's no point to this except to say I don't know what to do with myself. I have to finish school because I can't even get a retail job right now, so school is all I have. But I kinda don't have it because I just keep messing up at it.
As I sat down on my bed and continued to chug my brother's shitty beer (MGD), I started to cry because I really do think I have a problem.
I'm sitting here drinking shit that doesn't even taste good because I know if I drink enough, I can get that fun lightheaded feeling. That's a problem. And this is the first time that specific "that's a problem" has hit me and it's just upsetting.
I keep thinking I need to stop drinking all together, but then I really miss the lightheaded feeling and so I tell myself "I'll just drink until that happens" but that's a problem.
And I really think I need to stop drinking all together, but then I ask Hannah things like "teach me how to drink good beer so I don't have to spend as much to get buzzed."
Like I'm just not committed to change yet and that is also a problem, I know.
GOSH CATIE, HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU FIT "THAT'S A PROBLEM" INTO THIS POST? I know, I know. But yeah.
This post has no point, but I felt I needed to get it down.
I just want a little one I can look at like this when he's there near me at all hours of the day.
(don't tell me what is actually happening in this scene, I like to believe what I believe about this gif)